Remember when Emily Simpson and Heather Dubrow were friends? Well, they were.
And now … not so much?
“The Real Housewives of Orange County” took its time getting to the good stuff on Wednesday, Sept. 6, but this is where we finished up, gathered at a fancy feast at a very fancy Mexican resort with Emily and Heather on opposite sides of the table.
“By the way, I don’t care what you think,” Heather says with that little flick of her index finger she uses for extra emphasis.
“I don’t care what you think, either,” Emily replies.
“Great. I think you’re a (lousy) friend –“
“I think you’re a (lousy) friend.”
The neener-neeners go unspoken but hang heavy in the tropical air.
“This is going to take awhile,” a waiter tells the manager in Spanish, and he’s right: “To be continued …” flashes on the screen.
We ain’t getting out Mexico any time soon.
The roots of this fight had been brewing since the fancy soiree Heather threw for the HD Network, some kind of lifestyle channel she’s acquired on the Fireside streaming app, of which Mark Cuban is one of the founders.
We get the usual housewives-getting-ready-for-a-party montage, and then their arrivals. Emily and Gina Kirschenheiter, Jenn Pedranti and Tamra Judge, who show up in different outfits of the same shade of neon lime. Shannon Storms Beador, who hasn’t been getting along with Heather, is a no show, and you know that’s not going unnoticed by Heather.
Heather is already there with husband Terry Dubrow.
“I am throwing a party that feels very Heather Dubrow lifestyle,” Heather Dubrow says of herself and her lifestyle. “Living your life in high definition.”
Ugh. And HD logos are everywhere, which Emily, who leaves four glasses of champagne in various stages of completion on the cocktail table, has not overlooked.
Emily had started to tell the others sans Heather that their hostess had teased knowing some dirt – something that Shannon told her about Emily at BravoCon in New York City – but then refused to tell her on grounds that it been confided to her “in the vault” of secrecy that one housewife can declare to another, and thereby ensure its confidentiality.
I think Emily and I both would agree that The Housewives Law of the Vault should be amended to also ban teasing someone about knowledge gained in the vault. If you know there’s something in there, it’s gonna drive you crazy, and when the party moves to the dinner table, Emily goes a bit champagne crazy.
The appetizers arrive with caviar featured on one. Emily loudly declares that she doesn’t like to eat these things.
A fancy salad arrives with thin slices of cucumber sliced lengthwise. Emily bites one end and lets the rest of hang down past her chin like an old-timey cartoon wolf who’s just seen a real hotsy-totsy number swish past.
More bites of the salad and Emily starts repeatedly ask Gina if there’s sand in her salad too.
“Heather, why don’t you put your initials on more things,” Emily says. “I don’t think there are enough.”
And later: “I’m surprised we didn’t branded (with an HD) on the way in here.”
Gina is alternatively mortified and amused.
“Why are you saying all this (stuff) at the table?” Gina tells the camera later. “Just wait until after the (bleepin’) party and then call me and we’ll talk (trash) like normal people.”
Heather’s face remains frozen – she’s got appearances to keep up, after all – until Emily tipsy-teeters off to the restroom with Gina.
“For Emily to be sitting here, acting like an ass, it’s so crass. So rude,” she says to the camera. “But I’m not going to allow her to take this away from me.”
Then to the table: “I feel like she’s on my case,” Heather says. “Eat your (bleepin’) food and shut up.”
Mmm, who’s being rude now, huh?
Elsewhere this week on “The Real Housewives of Orange County”:
— Heather and Terry close the deal to sell their Orange County mansion for $55 million, though Heather hasn’t yet told the others, and she kind of knows that’s not gonna play well when they find out.
After the HD Network party she and Terry go to say goodbye to their house. They pop a bottle of champagne, but having packed all the glasses – or more accurately, paid someone else to pack all the glasses – they drink it straight from the bottle. Is this a crass way to drink champagne? We’ll have to watch the HD Network to find out.
— Jenn’s mother Kristen is out from Oklahoma to meet her much-talked-about boyfriend Ryan for the first time, even though they’ve been together going on two years. Apparently Mom really liked her soon-to-be ex Will, which has kept her away. Then there’s that Oklahoma animus toward divorce, Jenn explains.
“Where I come from divorce is a no-no,” she says.
Later, Jenn, Ryan and Mom meet for dinner. After some awkward moments – Mom insists on referring to Will as a good husband to Jenn and Ryan’s faces – and point-blank asks Ryan if he’ll cheat on Jenn like he did on his ex, Mom gives her blessing.
— The show opens with Shannon visiting Dr. Moon, her natural healer whom we’ve met in seasons past. He tells that she’s suffering from “gravity stress,” which is why her tummy and her face are hanging down a little bit. He asks her her anger level – 9, Shannon shouts.
“He gets any emotional stuff out and de-jams me,” Shannon says of her treatment.
She’s also working on going into business with him, partnering with him to promote his natural colonics. “Let’s turn (poop) into gold,” Shannon tells the camera, because of course she does.
Correction: The name of the streaming app on which Heather’s network is available is Fireside. Due to a reporting error an incorrect name was originally published.
