Shannon Storms Beador isn’t exactly sorry she blew up at her castmates on “The Real Housewives of Orange County” at the end of the previous episode.
But she is aware that maybe, just maybe, it’s gonna have an impact on the fiesta she’s planned to celebrate National Taco Day at a beachside restaurant in Huntington Beach.
“I pretty much told all of them to (bleep) off,” she admits to boyfriend John, the subject of the housewifery gossip that led to Shannon’s anger at Heather Dubrow, Gina Kirschenheiter, Emily Simpson, yet somehow not Tamra Judge two weeks ago.
“They just need to shut the (bleep) up,” John replies, underscoring how bleeping perfect these two are for each other.
And sure enough, Heather, Gina, and Emily all are no-shows when – after Shannon repeatedly tries to quit the show because they insist on showing the reality of what she is saying – the fiesta begins.
I can barely concentrate on the start of the party, though, because Shannon, who never passes up the chance to debut a new costume, is wearing the teeniest tiniest sombrero atop her cabeza. I found a similar one online and then debated whether at $13.99 I should get one of these fine fascinators for one of my cats, or three for all three of ’em.
Earlier, Heather and Emily tried, and failed miserably, to make peace with Shannon. Gina, meanwhile, just ghosted, choosing instead to accompany Emily to the California Innocence Project’s gala, which attorney Emily volunteers for, in San Diego.
“So, I’m obviously going to go to a philanthropic event with Emily where I can feel good versus tacos with some nutball who’s screaming at me,” Gina says with logic not even a lawyer like Emily could poke a hole in.
Heather came in person and insisted that she had not broken the Housewife Code that secrets placed in the Housewife Vault shall remain un-gossiped.
Emily called via FaceTime to say that she wanted a sit-down in person. When Shannon decided to just get into it, Emily got so flustered it took her 10 tries to actually hang up on Shannon. This makes Emily decide to skip the party entirely instead of arriving late after the San Diego wingding.
“And you know what, tacos are my favorite food,” Emily says. “So you know if I’m going to miss that it’s because I’m (ticked off).”
The problem, as Shannon sees it, is that her castmates keep sharing Shannon’s concerns about her relationship with John.
The problem as Tamra, Gina, Emily and Heather see it is that Shannon keeps on telling them stuff about her relationship with John and then forgetting what she told them because she tends to call and talk about her relationship when she’s had a relaxing beverage or three.
“She drinks the truth serum and it brings out the truth,” Gina says to the camera.
“You know how after you get a DUI sometimes you have to get a Breathalyzer installed on your car before you can start it?” Emily asks. “She needs that on her cellphone.”
Eventually, guests including Tamra, Jenn Pedranti, Taylor Armstrong, and their respective mates and dates, arrive at the fiesta, and the party gets festive. How could it not with that tiny sombrero? (Note to Shannon: The same company makes a tiny green top hat for St. Patrick’s Day.)
“None for her,” Eddie Judge tells the bartender of the proffered tequila. “My wife’s clothes come off when she drinks tequila.”
Good luck with that, Eddie.
“This is going to be bad,” Tamra announces. “Here comes Tequila Tammy!”
The tequila flows as fast as the guests can throw it back, so much so that the producers slip into Blur-O-Vision to make sure no one misses the point of the party.
Eventually, Señor Noodlez, the taco caterer, steps out from behind the grill, announces he thinks the guests all need a tequila shot and wipes out a Super Soaker squirt gun loaded with tequila and fills Taylor’s open mouth from several feet away.
Tequila Tammy wrestles the squirt gun away from Señor Noodlez and mayhem ensues. She chases Taylor around the table until Taylor slips and falls. She sprays tequila shots indiscriminately across the table and blasts Shannon in the face.
Then, in a momentary fit of sanity, if not sobriety, she realizes she’s maybe loving this tequila gun a little too much and throws it over the wall and onto the beach.
Elsewhere in this week’s episode:
— I’m not sure how Jenn got cast as the new housewife this season. She’s entirely too nice. In a few sweet scenes at her house, we see her interacting with her 9-year-old son Dominic, Latino by birth, who came to live and eventually was adopted by her family when he was 11 months old. As she talks with him about their lives and his background, there’s a lot of love on display.
— Jenn and her kids are also seen bottle-feeding baby kittens they’re fostering until they’re old enough and big enough to be adopted. She uses that as a way to talk about adoption and forever homes with Dom, too.
— Heather and Terry Dubrow, meanwhile, are seen signing escrow papers as they continue with plans to sell their Orange County chateau-like mansion for $55 million in order to buy a Century City penthouse apartment for $14 million. As one does.
Here’s the thing about these super-pricey pads: they tend to look like fancy hotels, cold, fussy, sterile. Heather gushes about how the new apartment is the first home in the United States designed by fashion designer Roberto Cavalli. Terry is wowed by the fact that the place is made of a combination of stone and suede. I wonder whether the toilet has a paper strip across it that reads Sanitized For Your Protection.
— “This isn’t goodbye to Orange County,” Heather tells the camera of her impending move to Century City. “I’m just seeing someone else for a moment.” I don’t know. Maybe call your divorce attorney to be safe, Orange County.
